Through His Eyes
What makes us able to switch overnight from asking for help to rejecting help in the morning?
She was so excited about this plan to wear a dress, jewelry, a special hairstyle and nails. Nails were done the night prior and hair started. Morning came and it was not happening. Not only was it not happening, it was going in reversal. Her and I are a lot alike and neither of us are morning people. Getting to school and work without disappointment and disruption is an obstacle. Thankfully this bump in our road became a teaching and reflection for my walk with Jesus and won't be wasted.
Just the night before I had started reading Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund. The subtitle of the book is The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers. Something I read last night clicked this morning as I looked at my daughter. I imagined Jesus as he listens to our prayers, empathizes with us, weeps with us, and is with us as we ask for the next move and then we refuse to go. What did He do wrong to make us reject the help we just asked for? Absolutely nothing. He did nothing wrong. He just loved us and we cannot understand his love and or maybe thought we could manage on our own.
After a good vent session, maybe we don't need the next step. Pride is what comes to mind. Self sufficiency. Independence. A child usually is not aware of this but I'm guilty of those for sure. I am facing my own reoccurring battle with striving instead of joining God in the journey. But I don't know if the little girl in me fully understands how He cares for me.
While getting settled at bedtime my daughter asked me to wake her up at 4AM for her big day. It was already past the ideal bedtime and the night had been pretty good so I didn't object clearly. I said we would get up with enough time. Even though I quietly woke her before her brother, earlier than normal, it was not at 4AM. That was all it took for her to unravel and all of her previous ideas were despised.
When I look at my past and much of this world, it is confusing and painful to reflect on parts of life that I am unable to reconcile or make any sense of. Even looking at the cross, I can't grasp the love that brought Jesus to willingly endure that. He did it for me and He did it for you. He died for us and is waiting for us to live with Him.
Thank you Dane Ortlund and those who inspired you because after even just a few chapters of the book I can see differently. I can picture my Jesus, our precious Jesus, sitting next to me as I can't figure out how to get up from my sorrow in the morning. I imagine his heart for me now. He does all he can to be there but not push. He waits. He hurts with me. He is the head and I am part of his body that is broken and bleeding in front of him and I refuse to let Him heal me.
Writing this at this point in the book, I am sure my perspective will deepen. But I want to acknowledge that God is working on my heart. He is revealing the heart of Jesus to me. I have been searching for so long and I am actively listening for clues on this rest which is what Jesus offers. The book Gentle and Lowly has the verse Matthew 11:28 on it.
Jesus, thank you for sitting next to me when I am so weak. You are helping me learn to rest in what you have already accomplished on the cross. I don't mean to grieve you. I'm slowly growing in my ability to accept your infinite perfect love. Help me to be an example for my children that leads them to you. I'm not capable of perfection and even when my intentions are good, I still fail. Let them see a heart of forgiveness and grace that has been extended to me. In your holy name, amen.