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Breaking Up

Sitting in a room, something isn't right, I'm not sure what's off so I just keep on talking. Anything is better than that awkward silence right? Apparently not.

Leaving feeling worse than I did when I got there. Sad, confused, but I am aware.

This is for my good.
This is progress.
This is growth.

She stopped me eventually, she asked me if this was working for me.

No. I said, its not really.

I wanted to ask what was wrong with her today. But this has been a continued theme. It's not always been this way. I've changed. Maybe she has changed. We've changed.

And that's OK.

Why has it been so hard for me to face truth? Why is it so hard to sit in the uncomfortable awareness of my own flaws? Just because I may not have caused all of the wounds, I can't ignore the effects of the scars. I can't continue to pick the scabs and keep on halfway healing and not take ownership.

Just because something isn't working that does not mean I just run away. That's the old me. That's the child in me, the wounded little girl who was not taught how to be in a two way conversation. That is not who I am trying to be. I want to be mature. I want real relationships. I want love. I want healing.

I pay for this time. I pay for someone to help me. Not simply to listen. And she is doing her job by not letting me stay the same. I wish she would do it differently. I wish she would make this really easy. But like life has ever been that way.

I wish God didn't let those things happen to me. I wish it wasn't so hard but it is. This is the broken reality.

I may have wanted to quit then but that is not how my amazing God designed me. He made me a fighter, a deep down thirsty soul who craves to be whole. My Creator made my weaknesses reflections of His love. May this heart of mine that feels like shards of glass shattered inside my chest mirror the colors of His promises. After the rain comes a rainbow to remind us of His love and promise not to abandon us.

I'm sitting here writing, trying not to sulk in my own sadness and I'm listening to worship music, specifically the Tasha Leonard Cobb song "Your Spirit" featuring Kierra Sheard and it just broke me.

Send your Spirit God. Breathe on Me. 

Maybe when I can't speak, when I am silent, I can feel Your presence God. It's not by might, not by power, not by anything that I can do. I'm so overwhelmed by the awareness of my flaws. I'm sad that its so hard to just be still, not to speak, to wait for God to speak. I ask for Your Spirit and I don't know how to let You lead. 

I can't even imagine standing in awe of you, I don't have the strength. I just want to be near You but I don't know how to stand. You are worthy of so much. But its not my power nor my might that would cause me to stand, its your Holy Spirit. Oh how I long to worship with the passion that I hear in the songs I listen to. Its so powerful. Its so beautiful. I'm imperfect. I'm lost. I'm trying. 

This is where I'm doing the work God. I'm letting words that challenge me to soak in and I sense how they are not meant to hurt me, but God, you don't want me to stay broken. You don't want me to remain in the pit. You want me to get up. You are reminding me that You gave me THE Spirit, YOUR Spirit, the most amazing power in the universe. It's living in me. You are with me. 

I am not going to break up with  my counselor, but I am breaking up with my doubt.
I am breaking up with my past. I am breaking up with lies. I am breaking past the insecurity. I am pushing forward. I serve a miracle working God, the Way Maker, the light in the darkness. I can do this. So can you.

Father, thank you God for breaking through even if it hurts. Your most amazing gift of Jesus surely involved some pain. You love us. You love me. Let me accept it. Breathe on me your abundant grace and love. In Jesus most powerful name, amen. 

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Thank you! God Bless!


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